All-Nighter?

lets sit down
and let me keep this shit real
I'll dig deep
and start to tell you how I really feel
From the start I always felt like we were straight
then the start slowly turned into fate
one two three
everything i loved was lost
it would have been fine
until i drew that line
that you just simply crossed
i wanted so bad for you to know i was there for you
All the shit that Ive been through, and i just wanted to be there for you
Seriously i hope you know i cared for you
i let my emotions go bare for you
i opened up
i let you in
And in the end i know I let you win
And you know what that's okay
I choose battles in a cautious way
I'm not gonna just give away
years of friendship
and then tell you it was all a waste
I'm not fake
I'll tell you to your fucking face
that what you said
creeps up and fucking invades my brain
i guess your right
were not the same
I could never do to you what you have done to me
because my heart is full of pain
not straight brutality
i just wish you would have seen my eyes
after fifty thousand cries
the pieces that shattered at my feet
maybe I'm still asleep
nope, pinch me
this shit ain't no dream
I don't know what God has planned for me
but i know when he calls on me I'm gonna be ready
I wont allow myself to drown in my tears
that's one of my fears
I'm starting to see you crystal clear
its a two sided mirror
one side was hidden
until you let it appear
I saw inside you to all the black
I saw that stone cold heart with a tiny crack
I heard the lies you said were true
And you complain that people don't like you
It's a little thing known as virtue
If everyone only knew
The kind of shit i did for you
saddest part
i was just another person to you
Your the one that made it into a race
but you slowed your pace
And when I came out on top
i never rubbed it in your face
You still could never take the competition you created
because the second you hit the start
I'm already crossin finish
Its called effort
maybe you should try it sometime
add in a little more try
and a little less whine
you do it because you have to
i do it because i want it
Think about it
I got the job and you didn't
don't get me wrong
it never crossed my mind until you said it
hmmm, someones jealous
but even through that
i still stood by your side
when you needed a friend
i was your ride or die
But I guess to you
all i did was stand in your way
keep using that excuse, even though it sounds lame
oh but I'm gone now
and i still don't see a change
Try working hard for the small things that you get
try having your life turned upside down
and having to start over again
let me put about 1/3 of my childhood in your head
try going a week without being fed.
why don't you cry on the couch like i did at ten
and listen to your mom scream
while a new guy bashes in her head
yeah i remember
i still feel the pain
when i forced out the anger
only ambition remained
i didn't let it become the reason
for what I've done wrong
i let it become the reason
for why I've stayed strong
if theres a will theres a way
you've added a brick
to the wall that you broke
i now have doubt
in every word that you ever spoke
If you could lie
What else did you do
Then for you to not answer my text
I bet you answer Mitch
That guy that you sext
Funny that he texted me too
i told him to fuck off
like i would have ever done that to you
then to ignore me
how disrespectful and rude
like i said before
i would never do that to you
the person i thought you were
would have at least said something back
but if i really step out
i can see the knowledge you lack
hopefully one day you'll see
you'll really look back
compare what you thought vs. reality
maybe I'll get a call
I'm always willing to talk
don't get stuck obsessed with the way you want to be
its like sitting at a red light that says go and looks green
one day
you will realize you were completely wrong
or you will sit there forever
which is forever to long

I'm so over.

People hating on my opinions. I look at it like this, what I think is what I think, and what you think, is what you think. If it doesn't affect me, I don't give a shit. Go ahead and think what you want, and I will then do the same.
I get frustrated that when I express my opinions on drugs, people talk shit. I'm sorry tweaker drugs ruined my life, I think your stupid if you do it, and I don't respect anyone who does it. Yeah I'm gonna put myself above you, because GET THIS, I am. Well, at least in that respect I am. I admit it, I have done lots and lots of wrong in my life, but I know there is one thing I will never screw up on, and that is tweaker drugs. I don't have a problem saying no. I wont say I'm sorry for calling you a low life, If your a tweaker, then sorry honey but in my eyes your low and dumb. I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone but I do think that my decisions are. I think it's gross. Don't ever bring it around me, and don't judge me on what I think because I've seen terrible, disgusting, gross things come out of it and I'm not willing to put myself on that level or associate with anyone who is willing.

Just saying, It was embarrassing.

Embarrassment is an emotional state experienced upon having a socially or professionally unacceptable act or condition witnessed by or revealed to others. Usually some amount of loss of honour or dignity is involved, but how much and the type depends on the embarrassing situation.

Most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me, hmm.
Well, just the other day I'm at work. I was just getting back from my lunch and figured well, before I go back to work, I think I'll pee. So I go in the bathroom, pull down my pants and begin to pee. The next thing I know, one of my male co workers walks in. I see him and immediatly cover myself of course. I say "oh shit" and he turns around, and doesn't close the door. UGH right? That's what was running through my head. Then, I yell "uhh, can you at least shut the door?" He comes back, no words spoken and shuts the door. Then I think oh nooo, what just happned? As I'm taking it all in, I keep thinking how am I going to face this situation. How awkward. So I just go out, and as soon as we lock eyes again, we laugh. Although inside I'm freaking out. I seemed to laugh it off, and now I'm not that embarrassed. I sure was when it first happened though. I guess now that I think about it, it would't have been so embarrassing if it would have been a complete stranger, but when it's not it's super embarrassing because you have to go face them.

Another time, hmmm.
Well, I worked at a camp one summer, it turned out to be one of the best summers of my life. At the time it was staff training week and it was one of the last days so we were at ski beach kicking back. One of the guys had a boat and he was taking people out intertubing. I decieded I wanted to do it. Even though I can't swim very well, ha. So i go out there, get on this blow up thing and the boat starts to pull me around on this little string. At first I was fine, and then he started going faster and faster. Scared the crap out of me. (and just to clear up everything else, I had lost a little bit of weight from being sick, and my bathing suit was just a little loose.) Anyways, I happened to hit a large wave and fly into the air. For some reason, my bottoms got caught on intertube and when I flew up, they didn't go with me. Everyone on the boat probably saw my white ass fly through the air. So embarrassing. Then, once I landed I had to go fish for them in the water somewhere. I found them, and put them back on. When the boat came back for me, everyone was laughing, and making jokes. Everytime I go back to camp I still get reminded of it.

As for all the other embarrassing things that have happened to me, I figured they are all normal. For some reason the oddest things always happen to me. I mean theres been the stomach gurgle in a quiet classroom, the toilet paper stuck to your shoe, I just sat in gum moments, but those happen to the best of us. I've learned if you just laugh it off, the embarrassment goes away quicker, and no one really thinks about it in a negative way

If you really knew me.

I see this show on MTV, and it entices my curiosity. I mean I'm not dumb I know one day expressing your feelings to your peers isn't going to change the whole school, or all the people that I have attend. I mean if people don't realize that other people don't have feelings then they are ignorant and selfish. Maybe it will open those peoples eyes. I don't know but what I was thinking about was writing this, and saying "if you really knew me" statements. In return, if you feel like it you could write something back. I think it would be interesting to see, and know. Maybe I can understand something about you that I didn't know before, and maybe you can know something about me that you didn't know.
So here goes.
If you really knew me, you would know that I live with my best friend. I live there because I was bounced from different foster homes and I fell in love with her family.

If you really know me, you would know that my mom passed away three years ago of a drug over dose and I haven't been able to move past it, but then again I realize that no one ever gets a past a loss they just find a copeable way to deal.

If you really knew me, I have terrible anxiety, I worry about things that may never happen.


If you really knew me, you would know that I make jokes so I can have a smile on my face I'm scared to lose it.

If you really knew me, you would know that I struggle with loosing a friend.

If you really knew me, you would know that I my best friend is my sister and friend. She means the world to me.

If you really knew me, you would know that I feeling like an idiot sometimes, because I tend to say things before I think about them.

If you really knew me, you would know that I had to grow up at 6 and take care of my mom.

If you really knew me, you would know that I grew up without a father, that I just met his side of the family and him last month

If you really knew me, you would know I try my hardest to do the right thing

If you really knew me, you would know how much I hate tweaker drugs, and rolling. I think it's disgusting and stupid.

Please write your own "if you really knew me" statements(:

Man, I wish I was five again.

I wish I was five again. The passion of a five year old is outstanding. The emotion is condemning, and the heart of a five year old is innocent. Every day is happy. Weekends have no meaning, everyday is the same. Hurt is a tear, that fades away. Mom is life saver, and daddy is a hero. Breakfast is everyday, and responsibility means cleaning up your toys. Heart brake is non existent. The opposite sex has cooties. The world consists of your house, your road, and your neighborhood. Walmart is huge. School is still fun. Naps weren't necessary. Parents are forgiving. Friends seem like forever. Teachers are sweet and sensitive. Games are fun, and never ending. Patience isn't understood. Color doesn't matter, age is just a number. people are all equal. Everyone is happy. The earth isn't spinning. Pools are the best. No tests. No expectations. No one wants anything from you. Judgement isn't upon you. Work isn't needed. Life feels like forever. Sleep is unbearable. Christmas and birthdays are still exciting. Being tucked in is the best. Not crossing the street by yourself. Being kissed goodnight. Screaming and crawling into bed with another after a nightmare. Getting underdogs on the swings. Being pushed down slides. Sitting on shoulders. Man, I wish I was five again.

What does it take to make it?

I have a difficult question. Is education the only way to success? I don't mean education in the cliche way I mean it in the broad perspective. Like education as in training, listening, reading, not just school. Can you get somewhere if your not educated? If your not very knowledgeable can you make it to the top?
I don't know the answer to that, but I do know if you try hard enough you will accomplish the things you set your mind to. I know plenty of people who didn't go to college, but are super successful and make lots of money.
What do you think? Do you think that people will look at you as a leader if you don't really know anything, you just act like you know?
Great example, Hitler. He was off his rocker. He was a huge heroine attic. He thought genocide was the solution to all the problems. He thought if you weren't white then you weren't good enough. He obviously wasn't educated, and he obviously didn't take anytime to listen to anyone else. So why did people listen to him? I will tell you why. He spoke like he knew what he was talking about. He didn't, but he sure did convince people he did. He spoke like he was a leader therefore people listened to him like he was a leader. People believed in his ridiculous ideas because he acted like they would work. You see I believe that most people don't like to think, or make decisions. They don't want to think of problems, they want to try and solve them or put them aside. People need someone outside of the box to try and be a leader. They need someone to think for them and tell them what to do. Who challenges someone who sounds like they know what they are talking about? I mean really. Hitler wrote a book called Mein Kampf, and people have tried to translate it, but they seem to not be able to. They say it doesn't make sense. So who let him lead a country.
I guess if you act like you know what your doing, you can get pretty far. There is a point where hard, true facts come into play, and unless your a good guesser, you would need to know them. I know that if I accomplish anything in my life, I want it to be educated. I want to go out into the world and suck up every piece of information I can. Knowing things seems to feel like it is of importance to me. I want to have an opinion on everything, and I want to sound education when I voice it. I want people to take my suggestions seriously. I want to show whats wrong and right. I want to be smart.

Special Treatment? No, Lindsey is a star.

The Hollywood starlet magazine reported that Lindsey Lohan, former "mean girls" star was a fidgety mess while she was dreading her upcoming days in jail. She was due to be locked up Tuesday for parole violations from her drunk driving in 2007.She broke the terms of her parole for missing seven classes of a 90-day, in-patient substance abuse program judge Marsha Revel had ordered her to attend. Lindsey, broke down in tears July 6 when the judge ordered her placed behind bars, but it is unlikely she will serve out her full sentence in a Los Angeles detention facility due to her nonviolent crime and similar preceding cases of Hollywood stars who served a mere fraction of their time. Now, she is only serving 2 weeks, due to overcrowding. So 90 days to 2 weeks, How convenient.
How does this happen? Why does she, as a star get to shorten her sentence like that. I'm sorry, but to me drunk driving is a huge mistake. Drunk driving shows that you think your life means more than anyone Else's. When we all get on the road, or send our loved ones out into the world we trust that the others driving aren't intoxicated. I HATE PEOPLE WHO DRIVE DRUNK. There is always another way. It's so irresponsible and sleezy to me. To many people die, and to many things happen. If your responsible enough to drink, then you should know enough to not pick up the keys and drive away. It's no big deal until someone dies right? WRONG. Stop making excuses.
In 2001, half a million people were victims to drunk drivers. That's ridiculous. How can we as a society let this go. Not only does drunk driving kill and ruin peoples lives permanently, but it also costs the public. Alcohol-related crashes in the United States cost the public an estimated $114.3 billion in 2000, including $51.1 billion in monetary costs and an estimated $63.2 billion in quality of life losses. Why are we letting this happen?
Beyond that, why are we letting people get away with this. She clearly didn't learn her lesson when she failed to go to her 7 classes, and I strongly believe she should be punished. I actually like Lindsey Lohan as an actress and am not trying to have a slam on her, but I'm curious as to why this is okay, and it happens so much. So many people are dying and being injured from this, and it is continuing to go on. But all of a sudden, its not a big deal when a celeb does it? I think she should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, just like everyone should. I would feel the exact same way if someone I love was drunk driving and not being punished. I would lose much respect for them, and expect them to not only complete their sentence, but also never do it again. I'm sure many of you know people who have been affected by drunk drivers, or you have yourself. Let's lower the statistics, and make a change. Think before you act, for every action has a reaction.

I think it's love.

Does it seem that sometimes we treat the people we care about the most the worst sometimes? Why is it that we would be more likely to tell someone off who we love, then tell someone who is a complete stranger off? I think it must be in human nature to take advantage of the ones we love. In all honesty, I believe every caring relationship is really just one person using another. Yes, it is consensual and when its someone you truly care about, you'll do anything. But look from the outside of the box, try to see it as a bystander. Two best friends, they each use each other. Everyone knows that a good friend is cheaper than therapy. One flys, one buys. At some point it might be one friend doing more than the other, but most of the time it evens out. Children use their parents, then at a certain age when the parent is incapable, the parent then uses the child. What I'm not sure of yet, is why we as humans tend to take advantage, or be ungrateful to the people we truly love the most. It's just like the saying you don't know what you have until it's gone. I really think that everyone has felt this truth before. We might treat them like shit sometimes because we know that through thick and thin they will always be there. Is it because we know that no matter what happens they will never leave? or is it that we just don't realize what we are saying or doing is harmful? I started to think about it and I sincerely think people do it because they know they can. If it's just an acquaintance, or teacher, or fairweather friend I think we all know saying some things are off limits, but to the ones we love we share more. We share more of our opinions, we share more honesty, and we share more of our attitude. I agree that no matter what type of serious relationship, at one time or another one will become unhappy. But I also think that in a serious relationship one should have the ability to let go, talk it out and work it out. It's when you start stepping on egg shells or holding back because your afraid of someones reactions when things go bad. I just think a lot of times, we don't appreciate what we have, or we say things that make it seem like we don't when in reality we do with all of our hearts. I just want everyone to know that my anger is temporary, but my love is forever.

Blood is thicker than water... right?

I look at this saying, and I debate over it's meaning. I don't know if it's the fact that it seems like all my family has gone away or the fact that I have had strangers take care of me better than my own family has, but all in all I don't really agree with this. I mean I guess family is supposed to be more reliable than your friends, but what happens when your friends are more reliable than your family? What happens when it seems like all you have is one person, and they are in no way your family? When does water trump blood.
Ive been without any sort of a biological family since age 12. When I lost my mom, I never thought I would be able to move on. I was so hurt, and I still am. In a way, it still doesn't seem real. On the other hand, my heart is still broken. I've tried and tried to work things out with my aunt, because she reminds me of my mom, and it just doesn't work. Beyond that, many people who have entered my life feel like my family. I know that I've had a few good friends that I wish I had as family, and I know they are a gift. Maybe God forgot. Charise Tea, is definitely one of them. I had met her my sophomore year and we became inseparable. She made me laugh, and we had the funnest times. More than that, her family treated me like I was family. Her mother was so giving, and her father is one of the men I respect the most. They stuck with me thought the transition of homes and always held my hand when I needed it. They supported me and let me have experiences I will never forget. The main thing that made our relationship so great was that I knew that I could always tell her anything. She was my rock, and hopefully I was a rock for her too. In this situation, water was definitely thicker than blood. She will always hold a special spot in my heart. Second, a girl that I met freshman year. Jaymee Hallmark. She has changed my life. When we first met, we would do things like the movies and go out to lunch and what not. Then things got a Little rocky with both of us, and we lost touch for a little while. After we began to hang out again, I knew I had a real friend. Through thick and thin, she was still there. When my foster mom went crazy and I needed a place to live, she was there. First, I was just staying with her. Then her family asked me to move in. Her parents became foster parents, and I now live with them. Many people told me our relationship ship would change, for the worst once we moved in. This was wrong. It has not changed at all but more or less strengthened. She is the family I have waited so long for. Her parents are wonderful people. She claims me as her daughter, and although I don't call her mom, I know in the back of my head she is everything to me. I'm trying so hard to make them proud and show them how grateful I am for everything they have given me.
In the same way, I think How could this be? How do strangers care more for me than my own family? Who ever said blood is thicker that water? Whoever it was, clearly they were wrong, and I am living proof of this. So here is, my family of water. Charise on the far right. Jaymee in the middle.

What's wrong with Bella?

I don't know if anyone has realized Bella's insane behavior in The Twilight Saga. I went to see the third movie, Eclipse tonight and was extremely amazed at the way she was acting for the third time. I love the story line behind the saga, and the effects that have brought the story to life, but Bella has put all woman who have ever loved someone to shame. She makes us seem rude, defenseless, and manipulative. Bella makes love with her complicated and definitely not fun.
One minute she is in love Edward, the next Jacob. She is constantly deceiving them both and then not only denying it, but trying to act innocent. She is way over dramatic, and helpless. Like no wonder men tend to treat woman like shit or never take relationships seriously. I would do the same thing if I thought a girl would act how she would. I would run the other direction from a woman as fast as I could. There would be no And's ifs or butt's about it. Kristin Stuart lacks the ability to act and this adds to Bella's awkwardness in the movie.
She made me so angry and it wasn't the oh this girl is such a good actor it makes me hate the character, but the wow, I cant believe she was ever casted for this movie. Her demeanor ruins the movie. I just can't stand her. I hope the next movie they plan on making is different when it comes to the actress and the character of Bella.

Would you want a note?

I want to sit here and tell you how selfish suicide is. How unbelievably awful it how, how hurtful, how mean and how rude. I can say that, but to the person whose mind is in such disarray where they feel they want to end their life, it is not a selfish act. It is simply an escape from the hurt, the heartbreak and the wrong of the world. It is the easy way out. It's the way where one can take away the feeling of being lost in a big world, with no one to rely on. I wonder why we are so quick to judge. When someone kills themselves, it isn't to punish the ones around them, it is their way of showing what has been happening that no one has realized. It is their way of opening up a can of worms, and in the same way setting themselves free of it. Studies show that 4 out of 5 people that try to commit suicide showed significant signs of depressions, but no one realized it until after they committed suicide. Not that I'm saying suicide is someones fault, as I believe it is no ones but could their be something we can do to change this?
I look back into the times in my life where I feel I was at the lowest. I see myself sitting on cement steps crying alone at 11, appearing to be a child but with the experience of an adult. I remember hating my life, and only wanting to end it. I remember cutting myself to cure the emotional pain, I remember thinking that things would never change, that I would never change. That was a more than real suicide thought. Laying in bed at a mental hospital after having my stomach pumped, I still didn't have a will to live. Now, I think about this and get goosebumps. How could I have felt like this, I was just a little girl.
The reason I am bringing this up is because I saw an episode of intervention where the mom of a suicidal drug attic said she wouldn't want a suicide note, because it was a just going to be a blame game, and that it would taunt her until she died. I couldn't help but disagree with this in a way, then I started to think would I want a suicide note if one of my loved ones killed themselves? Would I want an explanation? Or would I be better off trying to move on without one? Would a suicide note bring more demons then reasoning, or would it help me to understand the issues I clearly missed? I'm not sure how I would react. I hope I never have to face a problem like that, but I do hope that I can take a look around me and recognize whats going on. I hope that I never become to consumed with myself that I let someone deteriorate right in front of my eyes.

Cell phone?

Here we go again. Cell phone's are distracting, addicting and tempting. They harm relationships, and make relationships stronger. I'm not sure, but I think I have a love-hate relationship with mine. I hate going without my phone, actually I despise it. At the same exact time though, there are some things I hate. Such as the crazy temptation I have to check it in the middle of the a teachers lecture, or the way I need to check in the middle of the night to see if anyone has tried to contact me. And, as I said before it can potentially ruin a relationship. Once, I sent a message about my old foster mom to my best friend, angry about what had happened, but I actually sent it to my foster mom. BIG MISTAKE, but now it's funny. Another example, I had a close friend of mine call me and we got into an argument. I hung up on him and out of anger blocked his calls. Since then, we have texted and what not. He told me that he had tried to call and that I forwarded him, which I didn't. Then I remembered I had blocked him. Ha, and I had no idea how to fix it. I told him that I had blocked him when I was angry and he didn't think it was very funny, as did I. Had he not been such a laid back guy, he might not be talking to me anymore. Thank God he' not because I really care about him, and I wouldn't want a stupid cell phone matter to ruin it. My point is, maybe we should all take a break from technology. JUST KIDDING, I could never do that, unless I was forced. There's no hope, these day's we are so stuck on the future technology that we don't have time to slow down, and I'll be the first to admit that I have no problem whats so ever with that.

Is fat the new fab?

As a bigger girl, I tend to enjoy seeing plus size models winning prestigious modeling shows such as America's Next Top Model, and The Fiercely Real modeling contest. But lately, It seems like I have been seeing plus size models everywhere, just as much as I'm seeing regular models. The other day I was watching Tyra, and she said something that really interested me. She said "2010 is the year of the plus size woman." That day, she had all of the woman wear their size on their shirt. It was so hard for me to think that maybe for once, plus size is being accepted as beautiful, because in a way I don't think it is. I'm big, and I don't think I'm beautiful. I wont lie, I look at woman that have tight abs, tight arms, and tiny thighs as gorgeous. Yes, I tend to like a little bit of a curve in the "lady lump" areas is beautiful but that doesn't stop my mind from thinking that skinny is hot. Skinny and hot is everywhere-or is it?
When I'm out shopping is when I become the most aware of my size. I look at a pair of jeans that are 11's, and think they will fit. I run into the fitting room excited just to struggle to pull them up, and then after they are up the button is tight that I know I would never be able wear a slim fit shirt with it without looking like a stuffed sausage. So I go out of the fitting room, and hunt again just to discover that there is no size 13. It hurts. To wonder if people are judging you for your fat, or if men are put off by your strapless dress. I see cute little shirts that I would love to wear but know that I couldn't pull it off and certain styles that I know would look terrible on me. I think to myself that I am held back by my size. But whose to say that not everyone is held back by their size. As a proud worker in the retail industry I see all types of body sizes. 1) I see woman who are so skinny, even the double zero doesn't look right. 2)I see girls that are so tall, they cannot wear any of the jeans we sell because they ride up to their ankles. And now I know. We are all held back by our body in some way. I learned that the average size for woman in America is 14. I also learned that men don't so much as look at your size, but how you wear your clothes. Shielded with this information, can we all look hot and fabulous? And when did looking hot become all about size? Anyone can wear a black dress, but who can accessorize it with hot pink earrings and sexy pink belt? Who can find hot shoes to wear with a sexy pair of skinny jeans? The fabulous girl can. And the fabulous girl can be any type, short and fat, tall and fat, skinny and athletic, skinny and frail. Maybe this is a new start for everyone. A new way of accepting every body type as beautiful, in our own way despite how the media portrays it. Big can be beautiful. And so can tall, and all the other millions of body types.

Speak Out. It's good for you.

I keep running into situations in my life where I feel like I have to back down. In a way I think it's good to back down, and be soft spoken, but on the other hand I think people should be able to speak out about what they feel. Speaking out in the right way not only helps other people realizing things they might not have before but also helps the person who is speaking out to realize if they sound stupid =, smart or just insane. Sometimes I feel like when I speak up, that I was completely wrong, or what I'm saying isn't relevant. It's good to choose your battles wisely but you should say what you feel. Say what you feel so loudly that everyone around you knows. Tell it like it is. Let the world know what your feelings are when you do you will feel alot better. When something is hidden inside it becomes a demon and haunts you. Then, when it finally does decide to surface, it surfaces in a horrible way where things are blown out of proportion, and things are said that hurtful in hurtful ways. Let how your feel come out like oxygen, for it is a necessity like oxygen. If the people around you know that you are an honest person and they know what page your on then you will not have anything inside you just prodding to get out. It will not be the last thing on your mind before you go to bed, it will not come to you when your on a long drive home and it will not kill you slowly internally.

Censorship in the workplace? Hell No.

"We are not afraid to entrust the American people with unpleasant facts, foreign ideas, alien philosophies, and competitive values. For a nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people." John F Kennedy


Fourteen million employees just over one-third of the online workforce in the United States, have their Internet or e-mail use under continuous surveillance at work. Worldwide, the number of employees under such surveillance is at 27 million, just over one-quarter of the global online workforce. The "online workforce" is those employees who have Internet and/or e-mail access at work, and use it regularly.Over the past few years, employee monitoring has been increasing about twice as fast as the number of employees with Internet access. The online workforce in the U.S. as measured by Nielsen//NetRatings has grown by about 33 percent per year, to 40.7 million employees using the Internet in January 2001 from 30.6 million in January 2000. When an employee isn't even using "a company accessory" they still have the possibility of being monitored. Is this right? Should our employers be able to do this? Is this just another ploy to be controlled by the ones above us? Or is it simply just to make sure all things at work are done for work? Who knows.
Personally, I think monitoring an employee on a company computer isn't wrong. If you are an employee and you are using a company computer to work, then you have no business doing personal things. However if you are using your own personal blackberry to email back your friend, you shouldn't be subjected to monitoring. Your life outside of work should not be any of your employer's business unless you choose to fill them in. Unless of course your outside life begins to effect your readiness for work, then why should anyone have the right to question it?

Westboro Baptist Church.

This church was brought up to me in government. This church is unrelentless in their pursuit to hurt others. It is amazing to hear them call themselves a church and then to see what they have done is clearly not God's will. They call their protests "ministries." They will protest with signs Reading "God hates fags" or "God hates the world." They protest at schools, other churches, and say unbelievable things. This church was established in 1955 by it's pastor Fred Phelps. They still exist today as a primitive baptist church. They have conducted over 40,000 protests against homosexuals and sin in numerous places.
One protest by them really surprised me. They went to a funeral of a marine who had died in Iraq. They held sign that said things like "thank God for dead soldiers", and "thank God for 911." "The reason they protest at military funerals is because the deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq are punishment for the United States' tolerance of homosexuals"(Fred of Westboro). The courts tried to decide what was going if these messages were against the law, because they were so provocative, or if they were protected by the first amendment. The father of the one of the marines sued Fred for emotional distress and won. Hallelujah. Thank god for justice right?
I cant help but think that isn't the belief of Christians that God gave his one and only son to us so he could die for our sins, and by asking him into our hearts that we are forgiven. In this respect, one could be homosexual and ask for forgiveness, and be forgiven. Another thing that I don't understand is the fact that Christians including baptists have the belief that God has unconditional love for everyone he made (all of his children) and that he loves us even though we sin. If this is true, then Westboro isn't practicing what they preach, and what they preach is wrong because they say the they follow the bible exactly. The bible also says that one sin, no matter how small is equal to the worst sin anyone could commit. All sin is considered equal in God's eyes. So if judging someone, is considered a sin and homosexuality is considered a sin, aren't they the same. So isn't Westboro committing just as bad of a crime as someone who is gay?
Who are we as people to think we are better than someone? Who is this church that goes to funerals and causes emotional distress to people who are grieving over their DEAD love ones. It hurts enough to lose someone you love without having people saying thank God that person is dead. This is so so so wrong to me. I don't believe this people will come anywhere near heaven, the things they are saying are evil, and judgemental. I have to agree with the church many critics, and counter protesters "may God have mercy on this church, and the people who believe it's practices."

Summer Schwagg!(:

This Saturday at Pac Sun, we are having some huge deals. On top of that some really fun stuff that is definitely worth coming in for. Get this, the first 50 people that walk in are getting hooked up with a prize. These prizes aren't lame either. Were giving away brands like O'neil, Hurley, fox, Volcom, Roxy, and much more. If you are one of the first 50 to show up, you are GUARANTEED one of these awesome items. Also, you could win a trip to somewhere exotic, like Switzerland. On top of that we are going to be giving away free music downloads.
The attitude is going to be off the hook that day, we are having a band and all of the employees are super stoked to help you find what you need to kick off your summer. Some super sweet deals on bathing suits, board shorts, flip flops and everything. It's totally worth coming up to Viejas for this Memorial Day weekend. Make a day out of it, I'm sure other stores will be having some cool discounts. Plus you've got the casino(:

Let me know if I start to sound crazy.

I tend to wonder what the people the people I care about think of me. I'm self conscious, impatient, and moody. I say things I shouldn't, and I try to laugh my problems off. I try to put on a profile to the public that I'm doing great, and that my life is great. In truth I am scared to death to be alone. I'm scared of rejection, and I'm afraid of trying and never succeeding.
I have goals that some say are unreachable for me. I want to complete 6 years of college and get a masters in forensic pysch. At that time I hope to get married, have kids, own a house and grow old with my family. I hope to one day look out on a beautiful beach with my feet in the sand, and know that I am truly satisfied. I want to be educated in every way. When people ask me questions, I want to have an answer. I want people to look to me for guidance, as well as help. I don't want to be perfect, but I want people to think I'm close.
Its scary to think I actually have no idea at all where I will end up in life. What I do know, is that I will never ever give up. I will strive for my goals even when they seem the farthest away, and I'll never let anything take control of the person I am.

Your only as good as the people you associate yourself with...WRONG

This statement is completely ignorant. This statement blankets everyone, basically implying that no body has a mind of their own. Not saying that any one person is better than another, but I am saying that just because a friend makes a bad decision or has a bad reputation doesn't mean that you will do that too. I think friends can be complete opposites. There are some friends I know I can trust no matter what through anything, and there are others who I would trust as far as I could throw them. It just doesn't make sense to me. Whoever said this obviously didn't have any friends.
Although I do believe that your friends have a strong influence on your decisions, I think we also can think for ourselves and if we make a mistake it should be known as OUR mistake and OUR burden. Not the friends. I guess I could be completely wrong. It seems like when my friends make a bad decision though that I usually recognize it and almost learn a lesson not to ever try that. Life is trial and error, and we will make mistakes our own way, and learn in our own. There is no one that is the exact same as someone they associate with nor is someone the same or better than another.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Right?

I'm getting closer and closer to the day. To the day that I have worked towards for 4 years of my life. But, as the specail date approaches, I find myself more scared of it than excited. It's graduation. I mean don't get me wrong, knowing that I will never return to high school is such an amazing feeling, but I know that so much more than just high school is going to disappear from my life. So much responsibilty comes with graduating. I don't feel like I am not responsible now, but now there is no more excuses. There will be no back up of high school. I can literally spend my time however I like. I wont have to answer to anyone as to why I didn't go to class and I will no longer be "pushed" to do well. I'm scared of knowing that I have to pay rent and I have to pay bills, and I have to finally take full care of myself. I have to make good decisions, theres no more room for screw ups, and no one will be angry at me if I do screw up. If theres one thing I have learned in life, it is that nothing is permanet. And to be honest, I'm a little afraid of the changes graduating might bring. I don't think I'm ready for a huge change like that. I have always fallen back on school to be the permanet, unchanging part of my life. Even though it's not fun, and I pretty much hate the atmostphere, there is so much to it that makes me content. Granite Hills feels like my home. I have moved so many times, but through all of the tears and all of the hardships, I end up back at Granite Hills. What happens when I don't have that backdrop?
On a more positive note, I guess I just have to take things one step at a time like I have always tried to do. I will have to realize that being a child is no longer going to be accepted, and that I must grow up and start focusing on who I want to be one day. I will take this day with pride, and know that there is better coming up for me beyond high school. Realizing that change isn't always bad and might not break me down, and knowing that I have many great supportive people in my life should make it easier. I suppose I should put all of my anxiety's aside and move on.

Aids Walk

Me and a few co-workers are going to an event that is trying to raise awareness on AIDS. Sitting bored today I was thinking, I really don't know that much about AIDS just the common steorotypes, and often misconceptions. I decieded to do some research, heres what I found.

Aquired Immune Defiency Syndrome:
1)The HIV virus is a germ that attacks certain types of white blood cells in human blood.
2)This virus attacks a person's immune system and damages their ability to fight off some diseases.
3)Without a functioning immune system to ward off other germs, the person is vulnerable to several infections caused by bacteria, fungi, other viruses, and malignancies. These may cause life-threatening illnesses.
4)Some of the most common illnesses are pneumonia, meningitis, and tuberculosis.
5)Individuals may also develop certain types of cancers such as Kaposi's sarcoma, lymphomas, Hodgkin's disease, and multiple basal cell carcinomas.
6)Treatment of HIV can delay damage to the immune system and progression to AIDS.

You cannot get AIDS from,
1)Touching, social kissing, coughing, or sneezing
2)Contact with eating utensils, water fountains, toilet seats, telephones, typewriters, etc.
3)Teardrops, saliva, or sweat
4)Using facilities such as public swimming pools, restrooms, or gymnasiums
5)Being close to other people such as on a crowded bus, in a classroom, or restaurant

AIDS is commonly spread by,
1)Sexual intercourse (vaginal, anal or oral) with an infected person
2)Blood contamination (for example, sharing needles for intravenous drug abuse)
3)Mother to Child (during pregnancy, during birth, and during breast feeding)

There is no known cure for AIDS, only treatment.

Lets talk sex then

I remember being young and being completely naive to anything sexual. I knew that sex meant humping and what not but it really took me until adolescence to comprehend a real sexual relationship. I keep thinking that there is so much more to a sexual relationship then the actual act of sex. Foreplay is important, for the mind to prepare for sex. People say that "no strings attached sex" is impossible, this I do not agree with. I am not one for a relationship, so I have experience with the "no strings attached sex" and I know fully that it is possible. Although I am in a relationship at the moment I always think that if I wasn't I would still continue to have sex. There is no such thing as not being in a relationship and not being able to have sex. Who said that sex with no attachments was slutty? Why have we as loving, caring sensual beings put such strain on a sexual relationship? If you’re careful, what is the harm? I know it is wrong, and immoral and “bad” to think about sex in that way, but why? Nakedness has suddenly become dirty; the human body is now something to hide from. Unless you are the model image of the body, then you are not supposed to be forward when it comes to your body. Truth be told, we are all made differently and ingeniously. There is nothing wrong, or dirty or immodest about our bodies, nor the things we do with our bodies. It is nothing to be ashamed of.