I think it's love.

Does it seem that sometimes we treat the people we care about the most the worst sometimes? Why is it that we would be more likely to tell someone off who we love, then tell someone who is a complete stranger off? I think it must be in human nature to take advantage of the ones we love. In all honesty, I believe every caring relationship is really just one person using another. Yes, it is consensual and when its someone you truly care about, you'll do anything. But look from the outside of the box, try to see it as a bystander. Two best friends, they each use each other. Everyone knows that a good friend is cheaper than therapy. One flys, one buys. At some point it might be one friend doing more than the other, but most of the time it evens out. Children use their parents, then at a certain age when the parent is incapable, the parent then uses the child. What I'm not sure of yet, is why we as humans tend to take advantage, or be ungrateful to the people we truly love the most. It's just like the saying you don't know what you have until it's gone. I really think that everyone has felt this truth before. We might treat them like shit sometimes because we know that through thick and thin they will always be there. Is it because we know that no matter what happens they will never leave? or is it that we just don't realize what we are saying or doing is harmful? I started to think about it and I sincerely think people do it because they know they can. If it's just an acquaintance, or teacher, or fairweather friend I think we all know saying some things are off limits, but to the ones we love we share more. We share more of our opinions, we share more honesty, and we share more of our attitude. I agree that no matter what type of serious relationship, at one time or another one will become unhappy. But I also think that in a serious relationship one should have the ability to let go, talk it out and work it out. It's when you start stepping on egg shells or holding back because your afraid of someones reactions when things go bad. I just think a lot of times, we don't appreciate what we have, or we say things that make it seem like we don't when in reality we do with all of our hearts. I just want everyone to know that my anger is temporary, but my love is forever.

Blood is thicker than water... right?

I look at this saying, and I debate over it's meaning. I don't know if it's the fact that it seems like all my family has gone away or the fact that I have had strangers take care of me better than my own family has, but all in all I don't really agree with this. I mean I guess family is supposed to be more reliable than your friends, but what happens when your friends are more reliable than your family? What happens when it seems like all you have is one person, and they are in no way your family? When does water trump blood.
Ive been without any sort of a biological family since age 12. When I lost my mom, I never thought I would be able to move on. I was so hurt, and I still am. In a way, it still doesn't seem real. On the other hand, my heart is still broken. I've tried and tried to work things out with my aunt, because she reminds me of my mom, and it just doesn't work. Beyond that, many people who have entered my life feel like my family. I know that I've had a few good friends that I wish I had as family, and I know they are a gift. Maybe God forgot. Charise Tea, is definitely one of them. I had met her my sophomore year and we became inseparable. She made me laugh, and we had the funnest times. More than that, her family treated me like I was family. Her mother was so giving, and her father is one of the men I respect the most. They stuck with me thought the transition of homes and always held my hand when I needed it. They supported me and let me have experiences I will never forget. The main thing that made our relationship so great was that I knew that I could always tell her anything. She was my rock, and hopefully I was a rock for her too. In this situation, water was definitely thicker than blood. She will always hold a special spot in my heart. Second, a girl that I met freshman year. Jaymee Hallmark. She has changed my life. When we first met, we would do things like the movies and go out to lunch and what not. Then things got a Little rocky with both of us, and we lost touch for a little while. After we began to hang out again, I knew I had a real friend. Through thick and thin, she was still there. When my foster mom went crazy and I needed a place to live, she was there. First, I was just staying with her. Then her family asked me to move in. Her parents became foster parents, and I now live with them. Many people told me our relationship ship would change, for the worst once we moved in. This was wrong. It has not changed at all but more or less strengthened. She is the family I have waited so long for. Her parents are wonderful people. She claims me as her daughter, and although I don't call her mom, I know in the back of my head she is everything to me. I'm trying so hard to make them proud and show them how grateful I am for everything they have given me.
In the same way, I think How could this be? How do strangers care more for me than my own family? Who ever said blood is thicker that water? Whoever it was, clearly they were wrong, and I am living proof of this. So here is, my family of water. Charise on the far right. Jaymee in the middle.

What's wrong with Bella?

I don't know if anyone has realized Bella's insane behavior in The Twilight Saga. I went to see the third movie, Eclipse tonight and was extremely amazed at the way she was acting for the third time. I love the story line behind the saga, and the effects that have brought the story to life, but Bella has put all woman who have ever loved someone to shame. She makes us seem rude, defenseless, and manipulative. Bella makes love with her complicated and definitely not fun.
One minute she is in love Edward, the next Jacob. She is constantly deceiving them both and then not only denying it, but trying to act innocent. She is way over dramatic, and helpless. Like no wonder men tend to treat woman like shit or never take relationships seriously. I would do the same thing if I thought a girl would act how she would. I would run the other direction from a woman as fast as I could. There would be no And's ifs or butt's about it. Kristin Stuart lacks the ability to act and this adds to Bella's awkwardness in the movie.
She made me so angry and it wasn't the oh this girl is such a good actor it makes me hate the character, but the wow, I cant believe she was ever casted for this movie. Her demeanor ruins the movie. I just can't stand her. I hope the next movie they plan on making is different when it comes to the actress and the character of Bella.

Would you want a note?

I want to sit here and tell you how selfish suicide is. How unbelievably awful it how, how hurtful, how mean and how rude. I can say that, but to the person whose mind is in such disarray where they feel they want to end their life, it is not a selfish act. It is simply an escape from the hurt, the heartbreak and the wrong of the world. It is the easy way out. It's the way where one can take away the feeling of being lost in a big world, with no one to rely on. I wonder why we are so quick to judge. When someone kills themselves, it isn't to punish the ones around them, it is their way of showing what has been happening that no one has realized. It is their way of opening up a can of worms, and in the same way setting themselves free of it. Studies show that 4 out of 5 people that try to commit suicide showed significant signs of depressions, but no one realized it until after they committed suicide. Not that I'm saying suicide is someones fault, as I believe it is no ones but could their be something we can do to change this?
I look back into the times in my life where I feel I was at the lowest. I see myself sitting on cement steps crying alone at 11, appearing to be a child but with the experience of an adult. I remember hating my life, and only wanting to end it. I remember cutting myself to cure the emotional pain, I remember thinking that things would never change, that I would never change. That was a more than real suicide thought. Laying in bed at a mental hospital after having my stomach pumped, I still didn't have a will to live. Now, I think about this and get goosebumps. How could I have felt like this, I was just a little girl.
The reason I am bringing this up is because I saw an episode of intervention where the mom of a suicidal drug attic said she wouldn't want a suicide note, because it was a just going to be a blame game, and that it would taunt her until she died. I couldn't help but disagree with this in a way, then I started to think would I want a suicide note if one of my loved ones killed themselves? Would I want an explanation? Or would I be better off trying to move on without one? Would a suicide note bring more demons then reasoning, or would it help me to understand the issues I clearly missed? I'm not sure how I would react. I hope I never have to face a problem like that, but I do hope that I can take a look around me and recognize whats going on. I hope that I never become to consumed with myself that I let someone deteriorate right in front of my eyes.

Cell phone?

Here we go again. Cell phone's are distracting, addicting and tempting. They harm relationships, and make relationships stronger. I'm not sure, but I think I have a love-hate relationship with mine. I hate going without my phone, actually I despise it. At the same exact time though, there are some things I hate. Such as the crazy temptation I have to check it in the middle of the a teachers lecture, or the way I need to check in the middle of the night to see if anyone has tried to contact me. And, as I said before it can potentially ruin a relationship. Once, I sent a message about my old foster mom to my best friend, angry about what had happened, but I actually sent it to my foster mom. BIG MISTAKE, but now it's funny. Another example, I had a close friend of mine call me and we got into an argument. I hung up on him and out of anger blocked his calls. Since then, we have texted and what not. He told me that he had tried to call and that I forwarded him, which I didn't. Then I remembered I had blocked him. Ha, and I had no idea how to fix it. I told him that I had blocked him when I was angry and he didn't think it was very funny, as did I. Had he not been such a laid back guy, he might not be talking to me anymore. Thank God he' not because I really care about him, and I wouldn't want a stupid cell phone matter to ruin it. My point is, maybe we should all take a break from technology. JUST KIDDING, I could never do that, unless I was forced. There's no hope, these day's we are so stuck on the future technology that we don't have time to slow down, and I'll be the first to admit that I have no problem whats so ever with that.

Is fat the new fab?

As a bigger girl, I tend to enjoy seeing plus size models winning prestigious modeling shows such as America's Next Top Model, and The Fiercely Real modeling contest. But lately, It seems like I have been seeing plus size models everywhere, just as much as I'm seeing regular models. The other day I was watching Tyra, and she said something that really interested me. She said "2010 is the year of the plus size woman." That day, she had all of the woman wear their size on their shirt. It was so hard for me to think that maybe for once, plus size is being accepted as beautiful, because in a way I don't think it is. I'm big, and I don't think I'm beautiful. I wont lie, I look at woman that have tight abs, tight arms, and tiny thighs as gorgeous. Yes, I tend to like a little bit of a curve in the "lady lump" areas is beautiful but that doesn't stop my mind from thinking that skinny is hot. Skinny and hot is everywhere-or is it?
When I'm out shopping is when I become the most aware of my size. I look at a pair of jeans that are 11's, and think they will fit. I run into the fitting room excited just to struggle to pull them up, and then after they are up the button is tight that I know I would never be able wear a slim fit shirt with it without looking like a stuffed sausage. So I go out of the fitting room, and hunt again just to discover that there is no size 13. It hurts. To wonder if people are judging you for your fat, or if men are put off by your strapless dress. I see cute little shirts that I would love to wear but know that I couldn't pull it off and certain styles that I know would look terrible on me. I think to myself that I am held back by my size. But whose to say that not everyone is held back by their size. As a proud worker in the retail industry I see all types of body sizes. 1) I see woman who are so skinny, even the double zero doesn't look right. 2)I see girls that are so tall, they cannot wear any of the jeans we sell because they ride up to their ankles. And now I know. We are all held back by our body in some way. I learned that the average size for woman in America is 14. I also learned that men don't so much as look at your size, but how you wear your clothes. Shielded with this information, can we all look hot and fabulous? And when did looking hot become all about size? Anyone can wear a black dress, but who can accessorize it with hot pink earrings and sexy pink belt? Who can find hot shoes to wear with a sexy pair of skinny jeans? The fabulous girl can. And the fabulous girl can be any type, short and fat, tall and fat, skinny and athletic, skinny and frail. Maybe this is a new start for everyone. A new way of accepting every body type as beautiful, in our own way despite how the media portrays it. Big can be beautiful. And so can tall, and all the other millions of body types.

Speak Out. It's good for you.

I keep running into situations in my life where I feel like I have to back down. In a way I think it's good to back down, and be soft spoken, but on the other hand I think people should be able to speak out about what they feel. Speaking out in the right way not only helps other people realizing things they might not have before but also helps the person who is speaking out to realize if they sound stupid =, smart or just insane. Sometimes I feel like when I speak up, that I was completely wrong, or what I'm saying isn't relevant. It's good to choose your battles wisely but you should say what you feel. Say what you feel so loudly that everyone around you knows. Tell it like it is. Let the world know what your feelings are when you do you will feel alot better. When something is hidden inside it becomes a demon and haunts you. Then, when it finally does decide to surface, it surfaces in a horrible way where things are blown out of proportion, and things are said that hurtful in hurtful ways. Let how your feel come out like oxygen, for it is a necessity like oxygen. If the people around you know that you are an honest person and they know what page your on then you will not have anything inside you just prodding to get out. It will not be the last thing on your mind before you go to bed, it will not come to you when your on a long drive home and it will not kill you slowly internally.