All-Nighter?

lets sit down
and let me keep this shit real
I'll dig deep
and start to tell you how I really feel
From the start I always felt like we were straight
then the start slowly turned into fate
one two three
everything i loved was lost
it would have been fine
until i drew that line
that you just simply crossed
i wanted so bad for you to know i was there for you
All the shit that Ive been through, and i just wanted to be there for you
Seriously i hope you know i cared for you
i let my emotions go bare for you
i opened up
i let you in
And in the end i know I let you win
And you know what that's okay
I choose battles in a cautious way
I'm not gonna just give away
years of friendship
and then tell you it was all a waste
I'm not fake
I'll tell you to your fucking face
that what you said
creeps up and fucking invades my brain
i guess your right
were not the same
I could never do to you what you have done to me
because my heart is full of pain
not straight brutality
i just wish you would have seen my eyes
after fifty thousand cries
the pieces that shattered at my feet
maybe I'm still asleep
nope, pinch me
this shit ain't no dream
I don't know what God has planned for me
but i know when he calls on me I'm gonna be ready
I wont allow myself to drown in my tears
that's one of my fears
I'm starting to see you crystal clear
its a two sided mirror
one side was hidden
until you let it appear
I saw inside you to all the black
I saw that stone cold heart with a tiny crack
I heard the lies you said were true
And you complain that people don't like you
It's a little thing known as virtue
If everyone only knew
The kind of shit i did for you
saddest part
i was just another person to you
Your the one that made it into a race
but you slowed your pace
And when I came out on top
i never rubbed it in your face
You still could never take the competition you created
because the second you hit the start
I'm already crossin finish
Its called effort
maybe you should try it sometime
add in a little more try
and a little less whine
you do it because you have to
i do it because i want it
Think about it
I got the job and you didn't
don't get me wrong
it never crossed my mind until you said it
hmmm, someones jealous
but even through that
i still stood by your side
when you needed a friend
i was your ride or die
But I guess to you
all i did was stand in your way
keep using that excuse, even though it sounds lame
oh but I'm gone now
and i still don't see a change
Try working hard for the small things that you get
try having your life turned upside down
and having to start over again
let me put about 1/3 of my childhood in your head
try going a week without being fed.
why don't you cry on the couch like i did at ten
and listen to your mom scream
while a new guy bashes in her head
yeah i remember
i still feel the pain
when i forced out the anger
only ambition remained
i didn't let it become the reason
for what I've done wrong
i let it become the reason
for why I've stayed strong
if theres a will theres a way
you've added a brick
to the wall that you broke
i now have doubt
in every word that you ever spoke
If you could lie
What else did you do
Then for you to not answer my text
I bet you answer Mitch
That guy that you sext
Funny that he texted me too
i told him to fuck off
like i would have ever done that to you
then to ignore me
how disrespectful and rude
like i said before
i would never do that to you
the person i thought you were
would have at least said something back
but if i really step out
i can see the knowledge you lack
hopefully one day you'll see
you'll really look back
compare what you thought vs. reality
maybe I'll get a call
I'm always willing to talk
don't get stuck obsessed with the way you want to be
its like sitting at a red light that says go and looks green
one day
you will realize you were completely wrong
or you will sit there forever
which is forever to long

I'm so over.

People hating on my opinions. I look at it like this, what I think is what I think, and what you think, is what you think. If it doesn't affect me, I don't give a shit. Go ahead and think what you want, and I will then do the same.
I get frustrated that when I express my opinions on drugs, people talk shit. I'm sorry tweaker drugs ruined my life, I think your stupid if you do it, and I don't respect anyone who does it. Yeah I'm gonna put myself above you, because GET THIS, I am. Well, at least in that respect I am. I admit it, I have done lots and lots of wrong in my life, but I know there is one thing I will never screw up on, and that is tweaker drugs. I don't have a problem saying no. I wont say I'm sorry for calling you a low life, If your a tweaker, then sorry honey but in my eyes your low and dumb. I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone but I do think that my decisions are. I think it's gross. Don't ever bring it around me, and don't judge me on what I think because I've seen terrible, disgusting, gross things come out of it and I'm not willing to put myself on that level or associate with anyone who is willing.

Just saying, It was embarrassing.

Embarrassment is an emotional state experienced upon having a socially or professionally unacceptable act or condition witnessed by or revealed to others. Usually some amount of loss of honour or dignity is involved, but how much and the type depends on the embarrassing situation.

Most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me, hmm.
Well, just the other day I'm at work. I was just getting back from my lunch and figured well, before I go back to work, I think I'll pee. So I go in the bathroom, pull down my pants and begin to pee. The next thing I know, one of my male co workers walks in. I see him and immediatly cover myself of course. I say "oh shit" and he turns around, and doesn't close the door. UGH right? That's what was running through my head. Then, I yell "uhh, can you at least shut the door?" He comes back, no words spoken and shuts the door. Then I think oh nooo, what just happned? As I'm taking it all in, I keep thinking how am I going to face this situation. How awkward. So I just go out, and as soon as we lock eyes again, we laugh. Although inside I'm freaking out. I seemed to laugh it off, and now I'm not that embarrassed. I sure was when it first happened though. I guess now that I think about it, it would't have been so embarrassing if it would have been a complete stranger, but when it's not it's super embarrassing because you have to go face them.

Another time, hmmm.
Well, I worked at a camp one summer, it turned out to be one of the best summers of my life. At the time it was staff training week and it was one of the last days so we were at ski beach kicking back. One of the guys had a boat and he was taking people out intertubing. I decieded I wanted to do it. Even though I can't swim very well, ha. So i go out there, get on this blow up thing and the boat starts to pull me around on this little string. At first I was fine, and then he started going faster and faster. Scared the crap out of me. (and just to clear up everything else, I had lost a little bit of weight from being sick, and my bathing suit was just a little loose.) Anyways, I happened to hit a large wave and fly into the air. For some reason, my bottoms got caught on intertube and when I flew up, they didn't go with me. Everyone on the boat probably saw my white ass fly through the air. So embarrassing. Then, once I landed I had to go fish for them in the water somewhere. I found them, and put them back on. When the boat came back for me, everyone was laughing, and making jokes. Everytime I go back to camp I still get reminded of it.

As for all the other embarrassing things that have happened to me, I figured they are all normal. For some reason the oddest things always happen to me. I mean theres been the stomach gurgle in a quiet classroom, the toilet paper stuck to your shoe, I just sat in gum moments, but those happen to the best of us. I've learned if you just laugh it off, the embarrassment goes away quicker, and no one really thinks about it in a negative way

If you really knew me.

I see this show on MTV, and it entices my curiosity. I mean I'm not dumb I know one day expressing your feelings to your peers isn't going to change the whole school, or all the people that I have attend. I mean if people don't realize that other people don't have feelings then they are ignorant and selfish. Maybe it will open those peoples eyes. I don't know but what I was thinking about was writing this, and saying "if you really knew me" statements. In return, if you feel like it you could write something back. I think it would be interesting to see, and know. Maybe I can understand something about you that I didn't know before, and maybe you can know something about me that you didn't know.
So here goes.
If you really knew me, you would know that I live with my best friend. I live there because I was bounced from different foster homes and I fell in love with her family.

If you really know me, you would know that my mom passed away three years ago of a drug over dose and I haven't been able to move past it, but then again I realize that no one ever gets a past a loss they just find a copeable way to deal.

If you really knew me, I have terrible anxiety, I worry about things that may never happen.


If you really knew me, you would know that I make jokes so I can have a smile on my face I'm scared to lose it.

If you really knew me, you would know that I struggle with loosing a friend.

If you really knew me, you would know that I my best friend is my sister and friend. She means the world to me.

If you really knew me, you would know that I feeling like an idiot sometimes, because I tend to say things before I think about them.

If you really knew me, you would know that I had to grow up at 6 and take care of my mom.

If you really knew me, you would know that I grew up without a father, that I just met his side of the family and him last month

If you really knew me, you would know I try my hardest to do the right thing

If you really knew me, you would know how much I hate tweaker drugs, and rolling. I think it's disgusting and stupid.

Please write your own "if you really knew me" statements(:

Man, I wish I was five again.

I wish I was five again. The passion of a five year old is outstanding. The emotion is condemning, and the heart of a five year old is innocent. Every day is happy. Weekends have no meaning, everyday is the same. Hurt is a tear, that fades away. Mom is life saver, and daddy is a hero. Breakfast is everyday, and responsibility means cleaning up your toys. Heart brake is non existent. The opposite sex has cooties. The world consists of your house, your road, and your neighborhood. Walmart is huge. School is still fun. Naps weren't necessary. Parents are forgiving. Friends seem like forever. Teachers are sweet and sensitive. Games are fun, and never ending. Patience isn't understood. Color doesn't matter, age is just a number. people are all equal. Everyone is happy. The earth isn't spinning. Pools are the best. No tests. No expectations. No one wants anything from you. Judgement isn't upon you. Work isn't needed. Life feels like forever. Sleep is unbearable. Christmas and birthdays are still exciting. Being tucked in is the best. Not crossing the street by yourself. Being kissed goodnight. Screaming and crawling into bed with another after a nightmare. Getting underdogs on the swings. Being pushed down slides. Sitting on shoulders. Man, I wish I was five again.

What does it take to make it?

I have a difficult question. Is education the only way to success? I don't mean education in the cliche way I mean it in the broad perspective. Like education as in training, listening, reading, not just school. Can you get somewhere if your not educated? If your not very knowledgeable can you make it to the top?
I don't know the answer to that, but I do know if you try hard enough you will accomplish the things you set your mind to. I know plenty of people who didn't go to college, but are super successful and make lots of money.
What do you think? Do you think that people will look at you as a leader if you don't really know anything, you just act like you know?
Great example, Hitler. He was off his rocker. He was a huge heroine attic. He thought genocide was the solution to all the problems. He thought if you weren't white then you weren't good enough. He obviously wasn't educated, and he obviously didn't take anytime to listen to anyone else. So why did people listen to him? I will tell you why. He spoke like he knew what he was talking about. He didn't, but he sure did convince people he did. He spoke like he was a leader therefore people listened to him like he was a leader. People believed in his ridiculous ideas because he acted like they would work. You see I believe that most people don't like to think, or make decisions. They don't want to think of problems, they want to try and solve them or put them aside. People need someone outside of the box to try and be a leader. They need someone to think for them and tell them what to do. Who challenges someone who sounds like they know what they are talking about? I mean really. Hitler wrote a book called Mein Kampf, and people have tried to translate it, but they seem to not be able to. They say it doesn't make sense. So who let him lead a country.
I guess if you act like you know what your doing, you can get pretty far. There is a point where hard, true facts come into play, and unless your a good guesser, you would need to know them. I know that if I accomplish anything in my life, I want it to be educated. I want to go out into the world and suck up every piece of information I can. Knowing things seems to feel like it is of importance to me. I want to have an opinion on everything, and I want to sound education when I voice it. I want people to take my suggestions seriously. I want to show whats wrong and right. I want to be smart.

Special Treatment? No, Lindsey is a star.

The Hollywood starlet magazine reported that Lindsey Lohan, former "mean girls" star was a fidgety mess while she was dreading her upcoming days in jail. She was due to be locked up Tuesday for parole violations from her drunk driving in 2007.She broke the terms of her parole for missing seven classes of a 90-day, in-patient substance abuse program judge Marsha Revel had ordered her to attend. Lindsey, broke down in tears July 6 when the judge ordered her placed behind bars, but it is unlikely she will serve out her full sentence in a Los Angeles detention facility due to her nonviolent crime and similar preceding cases of Hollywood stars who served a mere fraction of their time. Now, she is only serving 2 weeks, due to overcrowding. So 90 days to 2 weeks, How convenient.
How does this happen? Why does she, as a star get to shorten her sentence like that. I'm sorry, but to me drunk driving is a huge mistake. Drunk driving shows that you think your life means more than anyone Else's. When we all get on the road, or send our loved ones out into the world we trust that the others driving aren't intoxicated. I HATE PEOPLE WHO DRIVE DRUNK. There is always another way. It's so irresponsible and sleezy to me. To many people die, and to many things happen. If your responsible enough to drink, then you should know enough to not pick up the keys and drive away. It's no big deal until someone dies right? WRONG. Stop making excuses.
In 2001, half a million people were victims to drunk drivers. That's ridiculous. How can we as a society let this go. Not only does drunk driving kill and ruin peoples lives permanently, but it also costs the public. Alcohol-related crashes in the United States cost the public an estimated $114.3 billion in 2000, including $51.1 billion in monetary costs and an estimated $63.2 billion in quality of life losses. Why are we letting this happen?
Beyond that, why are we letting people get away with this. She clearly didn't learn her lesson when she failed to go to her 7 classes, and I strongly believe she should be punished. I actually like Lindsey Lohan as an actress and am not trying to have a slam on her, but I'm curious as to why this is okay, and it happens so much. So many people are dying and being injured from this, and it is continuing to go on. But all of a sudden, its not a big deal when a celeb does it? I think she should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, just like everyone should. I would feel the exact same way if someone I love was drunk driving and not being punished. I would lose much respect for them, and expect them to not only complete their sentence, but also never do it again. I'm sure many of you know people who have been affected by drunk drivers, or you have yourself. Let's lower the statistics, and make a change. Think before you act, for every action has a reaction.